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How to Be a Footballer


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The first truly insider guide to being a Premiership footballer, from Britain's funniest sporting icon.

About the Author

First things first- yes I am very tall, no the weather isn't different up here, and no I don't play basketball. Glad that's out the way.

I've been a professional footballer for 20 years, have 42 England caps, have scored over 100 Premier League goals and hold the record for the most headed goals in Premier League history.

In my time I've been promoted, relegated, won trophies, gone months without scoring, been bought, sold, loaned and abused - and I've loved almost every moment of it.


"However overpaid and preening you might assume Premier League footballers to be, think again. They're worse, according to this amusing insider's account" * Sunday Times Sports Book of the Year *
"Who knew that a footballer could be funny? ... What you realise, as you laugh out loud, is that football has been taken too seriously by too many people for too long... Most other football books wither by comparison" * Daily Mail Sports Book of the Year *
"As someone who's been there, done it and got the ill-fitting T-shirt, Crouch is well placed to shed light on the bizarre world of the modern player in a funny, down-to-earth way... He made his name on the pitch ... but with this book, Crouch proves he is a good sport off it, too." -- Jade Craddock * Sun *
"On his way to being a national treasure... most enjoyable" * Daily Telegraph *
"The funniest man in British sport" * Metro *
"Peter Crouch is a comedy genius" * Daily Mail *
"One of the funniest human beings on the planet" -- Romesh Ranganathan
"Very funny on almost every page, wonderfully self-deprecating and very sharp on the ludicrous behaviour of the modern player" * Sunday Times *
"I'm not a big book reader, I'm just not. And I've skimmed through this already and thought `I'm gonna really, really, really, really like this. Seriously, I'm really gonna like it" -- Chris Moyles
"I've never read a sports book before, but it is really funny" -- Alex Jones
"Good footballers come and go but comedy genius - that's for life" -- Johnny Vaughan
"I've read a good number of books by footballers, both for business and pleasure, and this is easily one of the best, mainly on the grounds that it's incredibly funny" -- Ben Machell * The Times Magazine *
"One of the funniest books ever" * Shortlist *
"Incredibly funny" -- Jilly Cooper
"One of the funniest human beings on the planet" -- Romesh Ranganathan

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