About the Author

Terri Apter is a writer, psychologist, and retired Fellow of Newnham College, Cambridge. Her ten books include The Sister Knot, Difficult Mothers, and What Do You Want from Me? She lives in Cambridge, England.

Reviews

"Why do mothers and daughters argue? What is usually at the core? Can the battling ever really stop? The author unswervingly answers such questions, drawing on 20 years of research…While there are many such studies on the market, this one rises above the crop, owing to Apter’s thoughtfulness and her firsthand experience as a mother."
*Mirela Roncevic - Library Journal*

"I wish that when I was going through the wringer I'd had access to You Don’t Really Know Me. This is both a balm for my salvaged feelings and a useful compass in this maze."
*Marina Cantacuzino - Independent*

"[Apter] vividly captures the intensely passionate negotiations that go into the mother-teenage daughter relationship and weighs in with some very wise, usable insights and suggestions for the mother that enable her to see things from her daughter’s perspective."
*Nancy J. Chodorow, psychoanalyst and author of The Reproduction of Mothering*

"All teenage daughters should read this book!…The ideas will provide insight into who they are, who they want to be, and what their relationship with their mother is like. I wish I’d read it then!"
*Rachel Chodorow-Reich, daughter of Nancy J. Chodrorow*

"Mothers of teenage and even pre-teen daughters simply must read Terri Apter’s immensely helpful new book. By showing how a daughter’s fights with us actually reflect her efforts to stay connected, Apter recasts our frequent dustups into potential bridges to each other. She offers mothers the tools to transform relationships with their daughters during the teen years and to lay the foundation for a healthy bond into adulthood."
*Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis*

"This is eminently sensible advice that may contribute to sending more women out into the world sure of their ability to shape their own future and confident of having their views heard."
*Guardian*

"Why do mothers and daughters argue? What is usually at the core? Can the battling ever really stop? The author unswervingly answers such questions, drawing on 20 years of research...While there are many such studies on the market, this one rises above the crop, owing to Apter's thoughtfulness and her firsthand experience as a mother." -- Mirela Roncevic - Library Journal
"I wish that when I was going through the wringer I'd had access to You Don't Really Know Me. This is both a balm for my salvaged feelings and a useful compass in this maze." -- Marina Cantacuzino - Independent
"[Apter] vividly captures the intensely passionate negotiations that go into the mother-teenage daughter relationship and weighs in with some very wise, usable insights and suggestions for the mother that enable her to see things from her daughter's perspective." -- Nancy J. Chodorow, psychoanalyst and author of The Reproduction of Mothering
"All teenage daughters should read this book!...The ideas will provide insight into who they are, who they want to be, and what their relationship with their mother is like. I wish I'd read it then!" -- Rachel Chodorow-Reich, daughter of Nancy J. Chodrorow
"Mothers of teenage and even pre-teen daughters simply must read Terri Apter's immensely helpful new book. By showing how a daughter's fights with us actually reflect her efforts to stay connected, Apter recasts our frequent dustups into potential bridges to each other. She offers mothers the tools to transform relationships with their daughters during the teen years and to lay the foundation for a healthy bond into adulthood." -- Marla Paul, author of The Friendship Crisis
"This is eminently sensible advice that may contribute to sending more women out into the world sure of their ability to shape their own future and confident of having their views heard." -- Guardian

Apter, a psychologist and professor at the University of Cambridge, believes the often turbulent relationship between mothers and their teen daughters is not inevitable and can be improved. Drawing upon numerous interviews with adolescent girls and their mothers, Apter concludes that younger girls often try to emulate their mothers while older ones want to distance themselves from their mothers and not be "like them." Yet, the author stresses, ongoing interaction between mother and daughter is key. The challenge for moms is to avoid the endless cycle of arguments and frustrating conversations and try to be seen by their daughters as more responsive. Apter offers a number of strategies to address common adolescent issues, such as complaints of a lack of freedom, concerns over physical appearance and irritability. Her advice is sound, if not revolutionary: mothers should make an effort to listen to their daughters without passing judgment, either verbally or with physical expressions; and they shouldn't shout or argue but instead wait for their daughters to calm down before having a conversation. Real-life conversations run alongside Apter's commentary, which should help readers identify with many of the situations. This is a solid addition to the teen parenting genre, although the book's heavy reliance on narrative prose, and not bulleted points, will target readers with more time on their hands. Agent, Meg Ruley. (Apr.) Copyright 2004 Reed Business Information.